Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
