Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
