Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
