aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
