U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
