Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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