Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
