Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
