He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
