I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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