It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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