Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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