today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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