Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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