I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
