i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
