So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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