party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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