There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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