We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
