It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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