he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize