I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i think i have herpe
just one?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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