things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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