Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
