yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
