So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
