I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
