The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
