drinking out of a sandbucket again
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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