Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
