i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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