8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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