I just threw up on my dentist
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
