he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
