I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
