Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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