just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
