She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
