I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
