If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize