Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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