Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
