after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
