I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
