Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
