Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
