Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Randomize
