he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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