Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
