Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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