I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
