I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
